we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
