You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
