please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
