Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
