...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
