ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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