yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
