Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(253): View more from Washington

I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door

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(518): View more from New York

I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes

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(712): View more from Iowa

He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"

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(214): View more from Texas

could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?

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(587): View more from Alberta

I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!

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