Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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