Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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