You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
