they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
