i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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