YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
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