Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
PANTIES FOUND
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