hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
