Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
