so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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