Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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