it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
