2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
