I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
