your thong is hanging out like whoa
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
