dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
