Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
