You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
