Please, let me fuck your mom
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
and she was petting her beer can
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
