I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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