i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
if only i could text you this smell
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
