Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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