grandma shit on top of the toilet
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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