i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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