So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
