you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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