It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
