I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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