Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
