Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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