I think I just saw someone hide a body.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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