The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
