i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
