New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
