Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
