We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
