You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
