I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
