i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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