Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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