matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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