Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
