I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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